A year ago, I wrote a column for this mag titled “Post-Pandemic Plans.” In it, I outlined all of the fun and adventurous things I was hoping to do once Covid-19 chilled the F out. But here we are one year later, and the situation feels almost exactly the same. Despite being fully vaccinated, I’m still wrapping my face up like a mummy in indoor spaces, still staying six feet away from all the weirdos out there, and still checking the news to see if a lockdown is looming. Now, I’m not complaining and I’m certainly not surprised, but the current climate does have me rethinking my not-so-distant goals. So, in the spirit of working with what you’ve got, here’s what I’m hoping to check off my list in the next few months while staying the hell away from everybody. —Michael Sieben

pandemic illustration

  • Finish writing my great American novel about how cool Canada is
  • Start reading the Bible to try to find the part where Jesus says getting vaccinated against Covid will magnetize your forehead and give you better 5G cell reception
  • Learn how to bake weed brownies without the weed
  • Give myself a “No Regrets” tattoo and then get it removed once the pandemic is actually over
  • Watch every episode of Magnum PI back-to-back while wearing a Hawaiian shirt (and nothing else)
  • Get my minivan up to 100 MPH on a deserted country road while chugging iced coffee and blasting Eminem
  • Stop staring at social media apps for five hours a day
  • Spend that extra five hours a day bustin’ wheelies in front of the house on my daughter’s mountain bike
  • Plant a garden and watch it slowly die
  • Try and find a cure for my Bieber Fever
  • Teach my dog how to bark in French
  • Paint my fingernails purple, then my fingers, then both of my arms and one of my legs
  • Learn a bunch of science stuff so I can determine why my cats are so darn cute!
  • Finally start my Murder She Wrote fan club
  • Shave my dog, glue his hair to my face and brag to my wife that I finally have a big-boy beard
  • Not catch Covid